A major part of my anxiety and obsessive thoughts have revolved around comparing.
I will say that I’m an observer and it’s definitely biting me in the brain now. I’m always looking around and see what’s around me – and normally that’s other people.
Over the past month I’ve gotten in a terrible cycle of comparing.
Thankfully, I had Reform Your Inner Mean Girl on my Kindle… (While I got it for free, this book has been very helpful in working through this.)
All the thoughts that run through my head are things like this:
“I wish I was thin like her.
I want to be able to wear cute clothes like that and feel good about it.
Makeup makes everyone else’s features pop so much.
Being successful like x, y, and z would be awesome.”
And then I get on Facebook and see people leave comments like “Oh, you’re so skinny and beautiful.” And while said person may be thin/fit/skinny, I can’t wrap my head around that as a compliment. Is being skinny the only way to be/feel beautiful?
Either way, I have to remind myself (what seems to be) a billion times a day that…My weight does not define me. It does not make me who I am. It has nothing to do with my personality. If people don’t want to get to know me because of my weight or how I look, totally fine with that. No one needs that in their life.
When it comes to clothes, I’ve never been comfortable in tight clothes. And I don’t like the feeling that I’m hanging out of my top. I like to wear “funny” shirts and shorts from time to time. (Or most of the time.) While I do feel that once I lose some more weight I may be more comfortable in certain things. I wear what I want and it shouldn’t matter what others wear, right? For now, I’ll stick with changing up my glasses.
I have never been a makeup wearer. I’m not saying it’s bad to wear it and love it, but it’s just that I wore some for a short period of time and realized it was not for me. It could be fun to wear once in a while, but I just don’t.
Success is a funny thing. Everyone’s level of accomplishments are different. For the past few years, I’ve been wondering where I want to go on a career path. I love transcribing, and yeah I can do it from anywhere, but being in the house all the time is not me. I need the social aspect of work in my life. Success for me is being happy across the board – home life, seeing family and friends, laughing, having a job that I love.
I’m still not sure what I want to do for work, but my gut has recently been leaning toward photography. Who knows what that means/entails, and heck, that could change, but I need to do what makes me happy.
And that comes with learning to love (and trust) the new and improved Cindy the Comparer and myself.
I am beautiful.
I am loved.
I am enough.