Lately I’ve been going through a bit of a struggle with whether or not I should be stay with OA. I haven’t been going to the meetings regularly and that was mainly because I wasn’t sure of the path I wanted to take with the program.
As I’ve shared in the past, I really like the group that I see now, but after some thoughts popped into my head, I think my time at the meetings is coming to an end, for now at least.
While part of me is mad at myself for “quitting” yet another program, I’m working on figuring out what’s best for me. Maybe OA is where I belong and if that’s the case, I’ll make my way back to the meetings.
One of the biggest issues that I have is I’m still hardcore struggling with the whole “higher power” thing. For most (from what I know), their higher power is god. Simple for them. They have something/someone to turn to.
I was (and still am) using my MantraBands while trying to figure out exactly what my “HP” is.
I use them as my daily reminders. If I could just glue them to my arm, that would be best 🙂
The first step in OA says to admit that “we are powerless”, but I feel like that’s somewhat degrading.
I feel like I need to be in charge of my life.
I need to learn how to break the habits and work toward battling this disease. I whole heartedly feel as though this is on me. If I’m going to make the excuses, I’m going to need to reverse all that pain I’ve put on myself – mentally, physically, and emotionally.
That all being said, I still want to read the materials/steps and work through them.
There are people that I need to forgive and obviously I have lots of things that need to be worked on, but that needs to be for me, not a “HP”.
Just like in the meetings, the god/higher power thing is going to be the biggest thing for me. I wish there was a 12 step book with all the religious aspects removed.
Do I regret going? Absolutely not. I just don’t feel it’s where I need to be right now.
My head isn’t in the right space for it.
For some reason, I shut down in the group and I stopped sharing.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the people in my group, but I don’t want it to be so much a “social” thing as I felt like I was making it. And YES, hearing other peoples stories, struggles, what helps them is good to hear sometimes.
I normally leave the meetings feeling motivated, but sometimes I sit there thinking that I can’t relate to their stories, not because what they are saying is bad or dumb or anything like that, because everyone in that room deals with the pretty much the same feelings when it comes to food. There just seemed to be a disconnect for me.
And like I said before, there was a major disconnect with the literature for me. I want to set aside some time for myself to work on my own “version” of the steps. (No, I’m not going to re-write the steps, but I need a less spiritual version because I am SO not spiritual/religious. And as much as it pains me to feel the need to say this, I am not for or against ANYONE’S beliefs. To each their own.)
I’m in charge of my destiny and what I eat and how much I eat.
(These are my current thoughts and feelings on OA. There is nothing wrong with the program. I just don’t feel like I belong there right now.)