Closing Another Chapter

Lately I’ve been going through a bit of a struggle with whether or not I should be stay with OA. I haven’t been going to the meetings regularly and that was mainly because I wasn’t sure of the path I wanted to take with the program.

As I’ve shared in the past, I really like the group that I see now, but after some thoughts popped into my head, I think my time at the meetings is coming to an end, for now at least.

While part of me is mad at myself for “quitting” yet another program, I’m working on figuring out what’s best for me. Maybe OA is where I belong and if that’s the case, I’ll make my way back to the meetings.

One of the biggest issues that I have is I’m still hardcore struggling with the whole “higher power” thing. For most (from what I know), their higher power is god. Simple for them. They have something/someone to turn to.

I was (and still am) using my MantraBands while trying to figure out exactly what my “HP” is.

I use them as my daily reminders. If I could just glue them to my arm, that would be best 🙂

…..

The first step in OA says to admit that “we are powerless”, but I feel like that’s somewhat degrading.

I feel like I need to be in charge of my life.

I need to learn how to break the habits and work toward battling this disease. I whole heartedly feel as though this is on me. If I’m going to make the excuses, I’m going to need to reverse all that pain I’ve put on myself – mentally, physically, and emotionally.

That all being said, I still want to read the materials/steps and work through them.

OA_12steps

There are people that I need to forgive and obviously I have lots of things that need to be worked on, but that needs to be for me, not a “HP”.

Just like in the meetings, the god/higher power thing is going to be the biggest thing for me. I wish there was a 12 step book with all the religious aspects removed.

Do I regret going? Absolutely not. I just don’t feel it’s where I need to be right now.

My head isn’t in the right space for it.

…..

For some reason, I shut down in the group and I stopped sharing.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the people in my group, but I don’t want it to be so much a “social” thing as I felt like I was making it. And YES, hearing other peoples stories, struggles, what helps them is good to hear sometimes.

I normally leave the meetings feeling motivated, but sometimes I sit there thinking that I can’t relate to their stories, not because what they are saying is bad or dumb or anything like that, because everyone in that room deals with the pretty much the same feelings when it comes to food. There just seemed to be a disconnect for me.

And like I said before, there was a major disconnect with the literature for me. I want to set aside some time for myself to work on my own “version” of the steps. (No, I’m not going to re-write the steps, but I need a less spiritual version because I am SO not spiritual/religious. And as much as it pains me to feel the need to say this, I am not for or against ANYONE’S beliefs. To each their own.)

I’m in charge of my destiny and what I eat and how much I eat.

(These are my current thoughts and feelings on OA. There is nothing wrong with the program. I just don’t feel like I belong there right now.)

6 thoughts on “Closing Another Chapter

  1. Completely understandable. I’m a pretty private person with religion, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable with references to “higher power” either.

  2. Kelly I also would feel off in a group that speaks of a higher power. Mainly because I don’t believe there is one. I would say the same, I am responsible for what I eat and all the aspects that come with it. I didn’t realize the OA books and literature touched on that sort of thing. That would be a major turn off for me.

  3. Oh man, I don’t think I knew that one of the tenets is to admit you are powerless. I’ve toyed with the idea of checking out OA, but that (in addition to the higher power thing) is a HUGE turn off. You put it perfectly: it’s very degrading! I can kinda sorta see how people with a HP might not see it that way (as they could draw their power from their HP). But as a humanist, I just can’t get behind the sentiment that we are powerless. There *is* at least one program I’m aware of for addiction that doesn’t invoke a HP (look up SMART Recovery), but at least from what I can tell from their website, the meetings are all-inclusive (for all types of addictions), so it may be even harder to relate to people at times. OH! I just signed up for their forums after I started typing this, and it turns out that there IS a forum for eating disorders, including a binge eating sub-forum. Soooo maybe that’s something you could look into? Either way, I want to say that I’m proud of you for going with your gut! I can tell it was hard to do since you felt (feel?) like you just keep quitting things…and at the same time, you decided to do what you feel is best for you at this time. So go you! 😀

  4. You have to do what’s right for you, and it sounds like, for right now at least, that this isn’t right for you. You know yourself best, and moving on from something that isn’t right is not quitting, it’s being true to yourself.

    And maybe, as you search for your own higher power, you’ll find that it is something inside of yourself, a part of you, and not something that is outside guiding you (does that make any sense?). Maybe it’s one of your core values or an aspect of your personality…

  5. I think my issue with OA is that food is the one addiction that we cannot completely abstain from. This is not to say that sex, narcotics, self-harm, alcohol or other addictions have it easier–it’s just entirely different. OA is confounding in trying to fit their steps into the AA program. I’ve also found that my sucess in those groups depends on who moderates/leads them.

    So, for me, I think I’d find more support from being around/interacting with people who like to exercise the way I do or who want to figure out how to cook yummy things when they have strict dietary needs or people who are suffering from autoimmune illnesses and want to heal as naturally as possible. I just wish I knew how to find those people. I’d like to volunteer too. When my mind is in an occupied state and I have adequate support, I tend to not fixate on food.

    I hope you find what works for you. <3

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