Disclaimer: This post talks about binge eating. If you have any issues with disordered eating or you think this could be triggering for you, please do not read, or read with caution. I wanted to share my binge eating story, so people know they are not alone. And remember, I am not a professional.
After writing about overeating being a disease, I realized that it was time to talk about how I got to where I am. Thankfully, with the help of OA, I’ve realized where this sort of stems from.
All throughout my childhood, I don’t remember being all that picky when it came to food. I wasn’t into sports or any kind of activity like that, but I was quite a “normal” size during that time as well.
I don’t know what clicked (or unclicked), but something changed around that time. And it wasn’t as though I was majorly overweight, but I do remember a slight change and that’s also when I started to be bullied – slightly overweight, glasses, Reba/Backstreet Boys shirts…
Come high school, I was taking an aerobic class as a gym credit and I ended up losing some weight (or at least keeping some from coming on.) I clearly remember having a conversation about weight loss/exercising with my mom during that time.
Once that semester was up, my consistent exercising days were over.
These photos are from my senior year of high school. And I know that wasn’t super overweight, but I feel like this where I can track it back to the beginning of the weight gain. The weird part is, I used to love (I still do love) these photos. They showed me as being thinner than I thought I was and I used the top photo (there’s two other people in the phone) on my AOL profile back in the day <AOL chat room shout out!>
We finally got the internet (dial up anyone?) and I would be online for hours.
Bedtime was always very late for me because I would lose track of time and give my mom excuses as to why I was still up.
It was then that during the middle of the night I would head out to the kitchen and grab whatever I could eat.
Chips (sometimes stale). Leftovers. Cereal. Candy.
It didn’t matter, I would quietly take it back to my room and eat it.
I’m pretty sure that’s when the weight started creeping on slowly.
When I graduated high school I was about 130-140 pounds (please remember that I am 5’2) and it wasn’t until I moved out to go to college that the weight really started to show.
Over the years, the secret eating happened more and more.
…grab food out of the fridge and act like I was cleaning up or just moving things.
…stop on the way home from school and grab a “snack” aka pre-eat dinner.
…pick up extra food when I was out by myself, either from a fast food restaurant or if I was at the grocery store.
…stuff my face with two slices of pizza that were in the fridge before heading to bed.
It’s not a good feeling admitting that stuff out loud. And that’s exactly what I did while writing this post.
I finally told Jeff about this secret. And what a secret it was.
He had no idea.
I finally realized that my secret eating was only hurting myself. It’s definitely been a hard cycle to beat, but I haven’t done any secret eating in a while. (Excuse me while I pat myself on the back.)
My late night eating is still a work in progress, but it feels good to know that I am aware of it and I’m working through how to control those urges, even if I do make the urges up in my head.
As I’ve said in other posts, if you do any of these things, you are not alone. Nor should you feel ashamed.
It took me a long, long time to realize just what I was doing and how it was affecting me.
This post has been a long time coming. I didn’t know how to approach the subject and it wasn’t until I started listening to others talk about their messed up relationships with food to know that I wasn’t alone. At all.
This subject matter is a very emotional topic. It took a lot out of me to write it.
This is something that I will be dealing with for a very long time, if not forever, but I’m not on right track.
And I’m very happy about that!