My Binge Eating Story

Disclaimer: This post talks about binge eating. If you have any issues with disordered eating or you think this could be triggering for you, please do not read, or read with caution. I wanted to share my binge eating story, so people know they are not alone. And remember, I am not a professional.

After writing about overeating being a disease, I realized that it was time to talk about how I got to where I am. Thankfully, with the help of OA, I’ve realized where this sort of stems from.

All throughout my childhood, I don’t remember being all that picky when it came to food. I wasn’t into sports or any kind of activity like that, but I was quite a “normal” size during that time as well.

img386 img271And it wasn’t until middle school that the weight slowly started to creep on.

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I don’t know what clicked (or unclicked), but something changed around that time. And it wasn’t as though I was majorly overweight, but I do remember a slight change and that’s also when I started to be bullied – slightly overweight, glasses, Reba/Backstreet Boys shirts…

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Come high school, I was taking an aerobic class as a gym credit and I ended up losing some weight (or at least keeping some from coming on.) I clearly remember having a conversation about weight loss/exercising with my mom during that time.

Once that semester was up, my consistent exercising days were over.

These photos are from my senior year of high school. And I know that wasn’t super overweight, but I feel like this where I can track it back to the beginning of the weight gain. The weird part is, I used to love (I still do love) these photos. They showed me as being thinner than I thought I was and I used the top photo (there’s two other people in the phone) on my AOL profile back in the day <AOL chat room shout out!>

img021 img561My initial thought to when my overeating began was during high school.

We finally got the internet (dial up anyone?) and I would be online for hours.

Bedtime was always very late for me because I would lose track of time and give my mom excuses as to why I was still up.

img484It was then that during the middle of the night I would head out to the kitchen and grab whatever I could eat.

Chips (sometimes stale). Leftovers. Cereal. Candy.

It didn’t matter, I would quietly take it back to my room and eat it.

I’m pretty sure that’s when the weight started creeping on slowly.

When I graduated high school I was about 130-140 pounds (please remember that I am 5’2) and it wasn’t until I moved out to go to college that the weight really started to show.

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Over the years, the secret eating happened more and more.

I would…

…grab food out of the fridge and act like I was cleaning up or just moving things.

…stop on the way home from school and grab a “snack” aka pre-eat dinner.

…pick up extra food when I was out by myself, either from a fast food restaurant or if I was at the grocery store.

…stuff my face with two slices of pizza that were in the fridge before heading to bed.

It’s not a good feeling admitting that stuff out loud. And that’s exactly what I did while writing this post.

I finally told Jeff about this secret. And what a secret it was.

He had no idea.

I finally realized that my secret eating was only hurting myself. It’s definitely been a hard cycle to beat, but I haven’t done any secret eating in a while. (Excuse me while I pat myself on the back.)

My late night eating is still a work in progress, but it feels good to know that I am aware of it and I’m working through how to control those urges, even if I do make the urges up in my head.

As I’ve said in other posts, if you do any of these things, you are not alone. Nor should you feel ashamed.

It took me a long, long time to realize just what I was doing and how it was affecting me.

This post has been a long time coming. I didn’t know how to approach the subject and it wasn’t until I started listening to others talk about their messed up relationships with food to know that I wasn’t alone. At all.

This subject matter is a very emotional topic. It took a lot out of me to write it.

This is something that I will be dealing with for a very long time, if not forever, but I’m not on right track.

And I’m very happy about that!

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Comments

  1. thank you for sharing this! as i read your post, I couldn’t help but think back to my own struggles with secret eating! I recently reread this post and thought you might get a kick out of seeing how similiar we are, too: http://www.thenheathersaid.com/2010/04/25/secrets/ (warning: 2010 Heather was REALLY wordy!!!)

    xo
    Heather recently posted..Twosday LXXXIV

    • Thanks for sharing your post! And I know that I just left you a comment, but thank you, seriously. I am amazed by how many people have the same struggles. It’s so eye opening and good (kinda) to know that I’m not alone and that I CAN recover from this horrible disease. (Side note: I loved 2010 wordy Heather, but I still love 2014 Heather as well!)

  2. I have so many of the same issues…

    My secret eating is at its worst right after school between 3-5. I have been known to go through a drive through and eat a complete meal then come home cook dinner for my family and eat another complete meal between 6 & 7.

    I am working on trying to come out of the shadows with my problem. I have started to tell my hubby little bits and pieces. I am still so embarrassed by the whole thing.

    It is helping me to read your comments on OA & binge eating. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    Jessica J Marshall recently posted..Kicking It into High Gear

    • I’m so proud of you for telling your husband. And don’t worry, I completely understand the embarrassment and all the emotions that come with it. I don’t know if this will help at all or if it’s possible, but are there alternate routes to take home? Possible get into the lane farthest from the drive thru locations?

  3. I am bad about keeping up with your blog but I do love reading it. I am in love with your posts re: OA and binge eating. I also have some of the same issues and triggers. I have realized my mother is a VERY big trigger for me – she’s one that I have talked to my sister about and she helps me when I don’t realize I’m trigger eating from comments my mom has made or things she has done. I also stress eat, but to the point where I literally do not realize I’m doing it. It is an every day effort for me to be mindful of that- being stressed or upset should not make me go into hibernating-type eating. I have been slacking on that….this post, and your Overeating disease post have definitely had an effect on me. I need to be more cognizant of it, get back in my habits of packing food/drinks/extras so as not to have the temptation of when going to get food, to get stress food also.

    Kelly I love you & your honesty in your journey.

    I know we have different takes on dealing with issues but it’s nice to have someone to have discussions with….it definitely makes me feel less alone in the journey.

    • Love you too! And, as you know, I’m always here for you! :) I was so glad to see your post last night! Honestly, once you can get some triggers figured out, that’s a HUGE thing to deal with, but it makes it somewhat easier to know what the first trigger is. Heck, you may (like me) uncover more as time goes on, but it’s all about the baby steps.

      Oh, and you’re DEFINITELY not alone.

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